The Hole Inside

 All my life I've been told, "look on the bright side" or "be positive", but all life has done is hurt me. I've lost one after another after another of people I love. And here I am possibly about to lose another. It seems like just as I'm about to heal from the previous sh** in my life, it all just comes rushing in. The band-aid I put on that convinces people that I'm okay eventually wears down and comes off. All the pain of past events comes rushing through. The pain comes with it and all I wish is to be numb. But I've been there and done that before and it got me nowhere. All I became was a shell of the person I was, I hid from the world in hopes that it wouldn't hurt me anymore. But the pain comes back like a slap in the face. If I allow myself to be happy, it just gives me more distance to fall when the world proves once more that I'll never heal. I'll be broken forever. I wish I was selfish enough to go numb. It's easier to pretend the pain doesn't exist, like the hole isn't there. But it is and the longer I ignore the pain, the harder it is to breath when it comes flooding back in. I watch everyone I love either die or suffer from death and what's worse, is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm just stuck watching my life and the people in it fall apart over and over again. All I know is that I have to be there for them, do what I can to make them feel better, because I'm already broken beyond repair, so I focus on healing my loved ones. I'm a lost cause. I'll always have this hole and the longer I avoid the pain the more it hurts when it fights in. I wish I could be dumb. But being dumb isn't living. If you shut off one emotion, you shut off them all and they always find their way back in. No matter how hard you try to hide them. Numbness is temporary. So I'll try to stay strong for the people I love. I'll try to keep my tears to myself. Because nothing is more important than making sure the people I love don't get the same hole I'll have to live with my whole life. 

How Do I Want To Be Remembered?

For the impact,
Big or small,
I want to be someone,
Who rises when they fall,
Who smiles through it all,
A shoulder to cry on,
An ear to hear,
I will always be near,
A contagious smile,
A friend to listen,
Through ups and downs,
I will never leave.

I wish to be someone,
Who never holds on,
Grudges gone,
Past is past,
Only looking forward never back,
Selfless to you,
True to me,
Someone remembered for laughs,
Memories that mean the world.

Who do I want to be remembered as?
How about something different for each person?
When you need to take your mind off the world,
When someone needs to hear your pleas,
Someone who will drive in the middle of nowhere,
Just so that you can SCREAM!
Someone who's smile is enough to turn that frown upside down.

This is who I want to be,
This is me.